"The Jitters" or Smackie Onassis's Triumphant Return To The World Of Music

So, I've been playing a lot of music recently. And I am realising more and more that I want to be playing in front of people. The only problem is that I am so self-conscious about performing, to the point where I usually try to practice when no-one else is home. Today I was tickling the synthetic ivories when Richard Melons poked his head in and was like, "Hey, you're really good!" and I had to confess that the only reason he had even witnessed my playing was because I was sure he was at work at the time. Oops.

Playing in front of people has always been kind of a thing for me. I managed to get over that for the band, but I was always kind of hidden away in the horn section. The focus wasn't really on me and I think that's why I didn't have a problem with it.

I remember one of my last piano recitals before I stopped getting lessons. I was playing a Debussy piece. When I was practicing I managed to play it through perfectly, and received a lot of positive feedback from the couple of people who I hadn't noticed had snuck in early. But when I actually was aware that I had an audience, it was a different story. I knew I could play it, but the fact that there were people watching me made me totally seize up. The way I managed to deal with this was to make a joke every time I made a mistake. Other people's parents came up to me afterwards and told me how much they'd enjoyed my performance, which I thought was strange considering how awfully I had played. I guess there is something to be said for having a sense of humour.

So now, I am going to try to start performing again. Only this time I won't have a band to draw attention away from myself. Admittedly, I have come along way with confidence since then, and when it's singing as well as piano it's a bit easier for me. And hey, I can always do that thing where I make jokes to make my audience forget how awful I played.

I am going to start by playing for my friends, but consider this my public statement that I am going to start doing musics again.

-Smackie Onassis

What Do I Want To Do

So, Centrelink wants me to get a job. My medical certificate has run out (do not even get me started on the fact that my doctor told me my injuries could take up to a year to heal, and then promptly wrote me a certificate for one month. Do not even get me started.), so it will probably be back to the workforce for me.

It has led me to think about what jobs I could plausibly do, based on the skills I have. But I'm not sure what jobs these skills could land me, so I thought I'd put it to you, Dear Reader*. So, here are a list of some of the things I am good at.

Getting Excited About Bargains: I love bargains. Never go grocery shopping with me if you don't want to be painfully embarrassed (ask Meattrain about how much fun that is). Whenever I realise that I am getting a good deal I get very vocally excited. So, what job could this get me? The obvious answer is a spruiker. I could do that, but I would be forced to hate myself. Or, I could do voiceovers for discount stores maybe?

Over-reacting: Ok. Is there any job where I could over-react in a professional capacity? Because I do have a tendency to over-react to an amazing degree. I'm thinking... pantomime? Infomercial acting? I have done some amateur theatre before, I could do that. I played the Virgin Mary in the church nativity when I was 12. I mean, I thought I was above it, I was a hot-shot 12-year-old and the amateur youth theatre offers were flooding in. I figured I could stand to give something back to the community.

Road Rules: No-one is better at road rules than I am. Did you know that at a pedestrian crossing, if it is a minor you have to wait until they have finished crossing the road, but if the pedestrian looks over 18 you can drive through when they are halfway across? Or that it is illegal to ride a bicycle on the footpath if you are over the age of 12? I did. It is weird, because I don't have a car so I don't really drive but man oh man, do I know the rules of the road. Now, I could always do driving instruction, but I really don't think I am cut out for that. Because of the whole ridiculous over-reacting thing, and also because I am aware that my main clients would be teenage boys and I don't think I even own a shirt that is not low-cut. Result: tragic deaths.

Useless Information In General: Now, I don't know what is on TV these days or where I put my keys ever (EVER), but I can directly quote Captain Planet episodes I haven't seen since I was ten. I can tell you so, so many facts about ants. My specific area of expertise is obscure music knowledge (did you know Natalie Imbruglia's pop hit 'Torn' was a cover of a song originally written and performed by American grunge band Ednaswap for their debut album in the early 1990s?), so it has been suggested to me that I should steal Myf Warhurst's job on Spicks and Specks, but I think you need to actually have achieved something before you can do that.

Ok, so there are a few. I probably** have more skills, but I'm pretty sure those are my main ones.

Throw me some career path opportunities, children.

-Smackie Onassis

*I am aware that I do not currently have many readers. For your information, I was addressing the excellent South African folk band.

**PROBABLY

See My Friend's Show, You Guys

As I have mentioned, the Adelaide Fringe is on. I had my first fringe experience last year, where I tried to cram in as many shows as I could into the short time I was actually here. This year, I have the time but not so much of the money. However, there are a few shows I will go out of my way to see.

A girl I was friends with in high school has her own show this year, a show written specifically for the festival. I am planning on seeing it because well, I want to support her, but also she is one of the funniest people I have ever met in my life. For a time in high school, we were something of an unstoppable comedy team. I seem to recall our year seven maths class being nicknamed 'The Sarah and Steph Show' by our classmates. In the last couple of years I haven't seen her much since we both moved on to bigger and better things. Although, where I dropped off the performance radar, Steph is actually becoming somewhat successful.

So basically, what I am saying is, go see her show you guys. I haven't seen it yet, but from having known her for about ten years, it's going to be totally great. It is called True Stories of Heroism and Adventure, and you should all go see it.

-Smackie Onassis

The Best Thing In The Entire World Ever

The other night, just as it was starting to get dark, I was at the counter at my local IGA supermarket. I was in a world of my own, headphones on, wallet in hand. They were about to close so there wasn't many people in the shop.

However, when I looked over at the next counter there was a clown buying a loaf of bread. An actual clown. Not just a guy who looked a bit clown-like but a clown, with full costume and make-up. He didn't have a wig on, but I could see what he was going for with the whole ensemble. I told my housemates about this and everyone started telling me that I hadn't lived in Adelaide while the Fringe festival was on, and that I should be prepared to see a lot of weird stuff. 

The thing is though, I have seen probably more than my share of weird stuff. I seem to attract it in some kind of wonderful 'Round the Twist'-style way. I could tap out a list of some of the best of them, but I think I can sum it up with the story of what I would say is the single greatest thing I have ever seen.

I used to work in this really huge Leagues Club in NSW. In the one building, there were about eight different restaurants and cafes all owned by the same company (as well as a bunch of different ways to drink and gamble), and I worked in all of them.

One shift I was floating around the food court clearing tables, when I heard a voice from behind me.

"Excuse me," a man said, "Could you bring me a steak knife?"

"Certainly," I answered.

The man had a plate of roast beef and veg in front of him, so asking for a steak knife would not have been that unusual. Except for the small fact that he had hooks for hands.

That's right, he had hooks for hands. Both hands. Hooks. And there he was, eating a plate of roast beef with a knife and fork that he was gripping between his hooks. It was probably the best moment of my entire life.

I have since been thinking of what would happen if I combined the two events, if it had been a clown with hooks for hands. I thought it might be funny, but straight away realised it would be unknowably terrifying. But still, don't anyone go stealing that idea, ok? Mine. I have a copyright symbol on my keyboard and I know how to use it. See look: 

-Smackie Onassis©

Quick Bite

I just saw Vegatrain typing "definitely not videos of homos, that's for sure" into youtube.

It is pretty funny that the resulting videos were of professional wrestlers.

Music Talk

Listening to obscure bands is great. It may be harder to get your hands on their stuff, but it is usually much more rewarding. There is also the advantage of being able to go to gigs where people are actually there to enjoy excellent music, instead of just get drunk, push people around and ruin everyone else's night.

However, sometimes when I talk about a band I listen to, it gets mistaken for a different band with a similar name. Sometimes even iTunes gets confused and recommends me hardcore bands based on a case of mistaken identity. I have taken this opportunity to compile a list of bands I listen to, and the similarly named bands people think I listen to.

Band I Like: This Is Ivy League, an acoustic folk band known for their sweet lyrics and beautiful harmonies.

Band People Think I Like: Ivy League, who are apparently some kind of punk band?

Band I Like: Those Transatlantics, an obscure indie pop band whose music I always have trouble finding.

Band People Think I Like: The Transatlantics. I am not sure who they are, but I keep seeing their name in local gig guides, getting excited and then disappointed when I realise what has happened.

Band I Like: Band of Horses, a fairly popular indie rock group.

Band People Think I Like: Horse The Band, a metal group.

Band I Like: The Clientele, a lovely indie/chamber pop group from Britain.

Band People Think I Like: Client, an electronica band also from Britain.

Band I Like: Deerhoof, an unpredictable and wonderfully bizarre band from San Francisco

Band People Think I Like: Deerhunter, a not-that-bad "ambient punk" group that I just can't manage to get into.

Band I Like: Elixir, jazz side-project of Katie Noonan.

Band People Think I Like: Elixir, a British heavy metal band. Also, Elixir, a trance project of some description.

Band I Like: The Minor Leagues, a seemingly little known, but wonderfully clever American pop band. Check out their upbeat, light-hearted ditty "The Pestilence Is Coming".

Band People Think I Like: The Major Leagues, some kind of Pennsylvanian rock band?

Band I Like: The 1900s, a wonderful "psych-pop sextet"

Band People Think I Like: The 1990s, a Scottish rock band, who are not that bad, but are no the 1900s. I only know them because I keep mistakenly downloading their albums while looking for the 1900s.

-Smackie Onassis

Being A Ridiculous Person: A How To Guide

Ok. Anyone who has known me for more than a couple of days will be able to tell you that I am a fairly absurd person. I have been for the majority of my life. There was a time when I suppressed it because I wanted people to take me seriously, but that didn't end well and now I have gone back to full-time amusing myself in stupid ways. Here are some of the things I have done, usually for no reason other than to amuse myself.

Texting Random Numbers: The first time I did this I used the simple 'Don't do it!', sent to a randomly chosen number that I saved in my phone under the name Henry Soundsystem*. Since then, I have taken pleasure in sending messages of a more confusing variety. The other day I sent the message 'All my insides are made of someone else's hands'. Of course, when they ultimately respond with 'Um, who is this?', I respond with silence.

Winning Arguments: Normally, I like to win arguments by conventional means, but sometimes I am just not in the mood. I have found that an easy way to win arguments without really trying is to state your case, wait for the other person to reply and then, no matter how vehemently they disagree with you, say "Yes, that's what I'm saying." At the very least, they will be disoriented and you can kick them in the shin and run away.

Taking a random thing someone has said and implying it is part of their name:

For example:

Harrison: Wow, how about that global warming, huh? It's really hot today.

Me: Harrison "how about that global warming" Smart

For optimum effect this should be the only thing you say. As always, if they question you, deny you ever said anything. It is also worth pointing out that writing this entry allowed me to fulfill my hobby of both starting and ending a sentence with a three letter palindrome.

Being a Walking Sight Gag: This started unintentionally when I was about 14. I was in a suburban shopping mall when I felt a tad peckish. There was a farmer's market there and I noticed a large, tasty-looking mushroom. As it was probably going to be the cheapest edible thing I would find, I bought it and proceeded to wander around the shops eating it raw. I will never forget the looks I got. The most pronounced double takes I have ever seen in my life. It felt fantastic and from there, I never looked back. Currently, I am enjoying buying the teensy tiny apples that the organics shop near me sells. Seriously, they are smaller than an egg. If people see me eating them and ask about it, I say that I buy them because I am so tiny that next to me they look like a normal apple.

Encouraging People To Name Drop: This is not so much an act of encouragement, but I really struggled to find a short, coherant name for this. Basically, what you do is whenever someone starts telling a story, you do the following:

Friend: So I was talking to my friend Steve the other day...

Me: Was it Steve Buscemi?

There is a celebrity for most names, so this is one that hypothetically works for every conversation, but I cannot guarantee that you won't get slapped if you do this all the time. Unfortunately, if you are like me and have no real knowledge of pop culture apart from obscure experimental folk bands and cult indie films starring Clea Duval, this may not work as well as you might expect.

The Emperor's New Slogan: I have only done this once, but oh man was it worth it. Some friends and I were going to a peace protest, back when the Iraq war was a thing that might not happen. For some reason, we decided to make our own slogan shirts, but with a slogan that naturally didn't make any sense whatsoever. The slogan we chose was 'Now THAT'S a big bag of cheese!', inspired by a recent trip to Coles. However, people at protests don't want to look stupid. We saw person after person squinting at our shirts trying to figure it out, but then when we made eye contact with them, they would smile and give us a thumbs up. It was sensational.

Now, you have all the information you need to start a career of your own in the lucrative absurdity field. Good luck with that!

-Smackie Onassis

*When Buglustre and Vegatrain found out about this, they got the number out of my phone and promptly started sending Henry Soundsystem a few messages of their own. Somehow they managed to convince the poor girl whose number it was that they were a friend of hers. She still texts Buglustre sometimes.

Tales from the Year of Four Houses

For the duration of my childhood, I lived mainly in the one house. My parents house was familiar and although none of the doors properly fit the doorframes and the whole place was built on a slant (god help you if you put your pen down on the kitchen table and expected it to stay put), it was fairly stable.

However, I eventually got around to vacating the nest and introduced myself to the wonderful world of share accommodation. Since then, I have lived in a few different rentals with a bunch of different people. Between January and December last year I moved house no less than three times, for a total of four houses in a year. Over the course of all this, I have come to the conclusion that no share house is complete without at least one nutter.

Admittedly, I have been that nutter. My first rental place was lovely, a two-storey, high-ceilinged flat with a balcony overlooking the beach, which I was amazingly only paying $118 a week for. Unfortunately for everyone, my housemate was what you would call "a normal human being". See, I have this habit of saying a great deal of things that don't make a lot of sense. I know they don't make sense, I will be the first to admit that. But I figure if I say enough things then one day something will actually be interpreted as insightful, or at least witty. Example:

Housemate: I found this really great cereal at a shop down the road

Me: One might say that you yourself are a really great cereal from a shop down the road.

Nonsense, obviously. Sometimes I accidentally say something that makes sense and am rewarded. For all the others, I simply get a small kick out of being a walking non-sequitur. I live in a house at the moment where this is almost acceptable, but my first housemate didn't really understand this kind of thing. Eventually, I moved out.

When I first moved to Adelaide, I shared a small suburban house with three other people. For the sake of this entry, we will call them Mama Bear, Papa Bear and Baby Bear. Mama Bear was a down to earth country girl whose family ran a quandong plantation in Broken Hill. She was a vegetarian, and although I ate the occasional piece of chicken, I preferred to avoid meat where possible. At the time it wasn't a moral thing, more just that I thought meat tasted too much like dead animals. Either way, it was something Mama Bear and I bonded over. Baby Bear was inoffensive, a friend of theirs who kept to himself most of the time. Papa Bear, on the other hand, he was something else. He was in a relationship with Mama Bear, and no-one I knew could figure out what on earth a girl as good as her was doing with such an awful human being. Vegatrain refused to come over to my house on the basis that he couldn't stand to be within a ten metre radius of the guy and most people I knew thought this was a fair call. I think the problem is that he couldn't express any kind of opinion without sounding furious. I'm honestly not sure how he accomplished this, but I would hear him screaming and swearing at the tv, even is he actually liked the show he was watching. He was studying quantity surveying at TAFE, but was always coming up with a bunch of ideas about how he was going to get rich. His favourite was his idea for franchising fish farms. He thought this was nothing short of genius, but couldn't get anyone to invest in it. The last time I saw him he and Mama Bear had split for good, he had threatened to beat the crap out of Baby Bear for so much as implying to her that he had cheated on her (even though he had) and he had moved on to studying something else. I am so, so glad I moved out before all of this went down.

I could go on to talk about more share house nutters, past and present, but this entry is probably long enough without it, and also Buglustre is going to be here soon to take me to the optometrist for some new glasses. This is always an exciting occasion.

-Smackie Onassis

My "Twin"

Have you ever met someone who everyone honestly thought was your twin? I'm going to guess that you haven't, because this isn't something that happens to normal people. But there was a girl I used to know with whom I had a very personally conflicting relationship.

We had met at a drama camp and thought nothing of it. We were both short, with darkish curly hair and the same first name, but that wasn't an uncommon description. We were friendly enough to each other, exchanged phone numbers, and went away thinking we were never going to see each other again.

However. I went to the snow with my family that year and, as I was sidling over to my skiing lesson, I saw a familiar face. Well, ok, it wasn't her face I noticed first. It was that girl, only... something was weird. We were both wearing the same pink ski jacket, the same black pants. We both had blue beanies and were both currently growing our hair long. At first I was like, 'Hey, coincidence!', but then things started to get very confusing for everyone. I was placed in the same ski class as her and her father, and so the three of us automatically banded together. Naturally, everyone assumed she and I were sisters at the very least. Most people assumed we were twins who had never outgrown the novelty of dressing alike. It then got more confusing when everyone else in the class struggled to learn our names. This is how the conversation usually went:

Man: So, what was your name again?

Me: Sarah*

Man: Oh, ok. I thought the other one was named Sarah.

Me: She is.

Man: Oh. Wait, so you guys aren't sisters?

Me: No, just friends.

Man: Oh, so you came down here together?

Me: Um, no. We just sort of ran into each other.

Man: Wearing the exact same outfit? Thousands of kilometres away from where you live?

Me: Yes.

At the end of the week, we again exchanged numbers, promising to catch up again. And we did end up texting each other fairly regularly. The messages that followed made up the most politely passive-aggressive assertion of identity I have ever been a part of.

See, it turned out we also had the same nickname. It's not a name I use anymore (there comes a time in a person's life when you are just too old to get away with a nickname that ends in a Z), but at the time it was MY name. Not anyone else's name, my name. My identity, even. Unfortunately, she felt the same way. It was never something we were going to outright bring up with each other - we were far too polite for any of that. What ensued was a series of text messages, where she would address me by our real name, and sign off with the nickname. In response, I would address HER by our real name, reply to what she'd said, and then sign off with the nickname. This continued for entirely too long.

Neither of us ended up coming out ahead. I think we realised that the whole thing was entirely too absurd and ceased all contact.

-Smackie Onassis

*OH NO REAL NAMES

"Comedy Stylings"

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