Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Useless But Interesting: Fact Of The Day

Joshua Radin is an excellent singer/songwriter who most people would be familiar with, even if they don't know his name. He came onto the music scene when a rough demo of the first song he ever wrote made its way to Zach Braff, who featured it almost in its entirety in an episode of Scrubs. His music has since been featured in a long list of other shows such as House, Home & Away, One Tree Hill and Castle to name a few.

Mass Debating

By now you probably have got the impression that I currently have a sensational amount of free time on my hands. It's true, what with the injury and having no money, I have been left with a lot of time to think. This has had some good outcomes, such as starting this blog. It has also had some rather unfortunate side effects.

I have always been a very opinionated person. But, unlike a lot of people on the internet, before I start vocalising my opinions I make sure to actually sit down and critically evaluate them, research them where possible. I have seen way too many people splash their opinions all over my facebook page. I calmly ask them why exactly they hold these beliefs, putting forward my own thoughts on the matter, which I have actually taken the time to think about. Every time I make sure to add what has become my standard debate signature: "If you can address these points, I would gladly re-evaluate my opinion."

Unfortunately, no-one seems to think that logical, well thought out debate has any place on the internet, and interpret me asking them to justify their opinions as me attacking them. If they actually responded to the points I made, I wouldn't care so much. But, they very rarely do.

There was one particular political issue recently that Richard Melons, the fourth resident of the Dude Ranch, was very vocal about. Now, everyone is entitled to believe whatever they want, this is something I've always felt. However, if you are going to start actively promoting your beliefs, you have a responsibility to address the arguments of your detractors. So, I responded. I'm not going to name the movement that he was putting his support behind, but let's just say that a significant portion of the ideas making up the foundation of their belief system can be completely discredited with a single google search. Failing that, logic and reason. Again, I am not going to go into the specifics. 

The comment I made brought up a few of the most important points that I felt needed to be addressed by anyone supporting this movement. I made sure to keep my tone as neutral as I could, keeping to the simple facts of the matter. I made sure to include my "signature", saying that I would gladly re-evaluate my opinion if these questions were answered. It was the only facebook comment I have ever seen that included more than one "See More" button.

The response I got (not from Tricky Ricky, but from a friend of his) at first made me literally start shaking with frustration. Now, I just think it's funny.

Instead of actually replying to any of the points I'd raised, this young gentleman instead decided to make an attack on my character. This was a guy who had never actually met me, so it's safe so to say everything he said was wrong, so wrong, wrong to hysterical proportions.

Basically, he painted me as the only type of person he could imagine would dare to disagree with him. Here is a direct quote, in all its glory:

"To improve ourselves we must consume and consume to make a living. This is the only truth to heaven, to Narvina. I am sure Jesus, Mohammod and Buddha all owns a BMW. To keep the system running, you must work hard to get yourself one, or else you are unfaithful and deserves the eternal flame. I believe capitalism is best invention human has created. Although billions of people gets nothing, but some people gets EVERYTHING. This gives us the illusion that we ALL get SOMETHING, and I am happy. We don't need to care about hungry kids in Africa, because our kids have hungry jacks and HAPPY meals. Watching the war in middle east saves me 14 bucks from watching Lord of the Rings in the cinema. But you must admit, Lady Gaga is much more interesting."

Where he went wrong:
1. Consumerism. I am dirt poor. I can't afford to buy anything that is not an essential item for remaining alive, and I am actively selling my possessions. Because I am poor. Despite this, I do actually still donate to charity. I just research my charities first.

2. The BMW. Here is a list of the modes of transport I own:

1x broken down scooter. Answers to the name of Raphael, or at least it would if it were a sentient being.
1x second hand bicycle, which I bought before realising I was too short to actually ride it. By this time, the previous owner had left the country.
1x rollerblades, found on the side of the road. As yet untested.

3. Lady Gaga. It is safe to say this guy hasn't heard of any of my favourite bands. It is even safe to say he hasn't heard of any of my favourite genres. A typical favourite song of mine usually consists of a twenty minute marimba solo, sampled through a collection of pine cones arranged in the shape of Tony Danza's face.*

4. Agreeing blindly with the government. I have been actively involved in political protests since I was fifteen. I was able to directly link him to an anti-censorship group I started that now has over 13,000 members. I even joined the Socialist Alliance once, albeit by accident (a story for another time).

5. Also he spelled Nirvana wrong. Not that I really need to be picky here.

Honestly, I feel like before I started using the internet I thought your average human being was a lot more intelligent. Seriously people, you have to actually think about the things you are told. Watching one documentary makes you neither an expert nor a revolutionary.

-Smackie Onassis

*I was expressing this opinion to Vegatrain, using that example. He stopped me and said "You had to add that bit about Tony Danza because you realised you were describing a real song you have listened to, didn't you?" He was right, the bastard

Cast of Characters

If you have been perusing my blog without reading the introductory post, you may have noticed that I refer to people by code names, for reasons of both privacy and hilarity (Meattrain is particularly adament about never revealing his true identity, like the meat-based superhero he is). It has been brought to my attention that the code names I am using are becoming increasingly ridiculous. Personally, I think they have remained at a pretty consistent level of ridiculous, but that's just my opinion.

However last night, while trying to sit out a particularly awful migraine, I started coming up with some potential code names. What I ended up with instead was a list of characters that I would love to see combined in some kind of mildly plausible fictitious setting. They started almost reasonable (for me, at least), but very quickly got more and more ridiculous.

Cast Of Characters:
Little Johnny Applesauce
Baxter Isafence
Jason Faceonacup, the mug collector
Abe L. Trolleycopter
Sasketchiwa Johnstone, the beef haunter
Clones 'The Cloner' Clonington and his seven piece one man band
Holy Jeremiah Heel, the street walker
Lonesome Jim Hula-hoop, the solitary hero
Gentle Dolly, the village proctologist
'Colonel' Ipswich Von Beardington, the clean shaven bus-driver
Old Man Crimestalker, the vigilant vigilante
Beans McGee, the ventriloquist with his charming off-sider;
"Raphael", an allegedly sentient tin of beans with a keen interest in politics


This entry is my written promise to create a piece of fiction that includes every one of these characters. I will probably do it later today, even. I'm not going to lie to you, the idea excites me, just a little bit too much.

-Smackie Onassis

Neck Roberts

I could probably explain how the whole Neck Roberts thing began, but it still most likely wouldn't make a lick of sense*. However, I can have a go at telling an abridged history of the Neck Roberts phenomenon. Because it is a phenomenon, let me assure you.

I was in a local pub when I came up with the idea, as I was examining the display of free postcards. You know the ones, little rectangles of advertising, usually with no room to actually write a message. I honestly think that I might be the only one who has ever actually bothered attaching a stamp to these and sending them on.  But I hadn't, before Neck Roberts.

There I was, examining the postcard collection for any winners. As I often do, I ended up going away with a handful of them. They were doomed for the recycling bin, like so many of their free postcard counterparts, until I absent-mindedly started writing on them. 

See, Neck Roberts was a name Vegatrain and I had come up with a few days before. I think I briefly made it my display name on facebook, for no real reason. If anybody called me on it, I planned to just pretend it had always been my name and I didn't know what they were talking about. Luckily, my friends know me well enough at this point to not even bother attempting to call me out on being an absurd human being. At first I would just label whatever I was doing as 'modern art', and see what I could get any with. Now, I don't even need to. Most people in my life have made their peace with the fact that I don't make much sense a good majority of the time.

Anyway, somehow in the course of that night, I started writing on those postcards. I took a common expression/advertising slogan, replaced one word with the word 'neck', signed it as Neck Roberts and sent them to a guy I went to high school with. Whom I haven't seen in a year.

Later, I asked him if he'd received them. He admitted that he had, but hastily tried to change the subject and pretend it had never happened. Not so fast, pal.

The next incident occurred few months later when I was in Melbourne visiting a friend. We were out and about when I came across a veritable treasure trove of free postcards. Again, I wrote on them, signed them as Neck Roberts and sent them. If you're wondering just what exactly I have been writing on these cards, here are a few examples:

Top of the neck to you!
A neck is for life, not just for Christmas
Have a nice neck!
Necks - it's what's for dinner.

And so on. There have been a few separate batches now, and every now and then that friend from Melbourne texts me new neck-related phrases, which I store away for future reference. The recipient (always the same guy) is still trying as hard as he can to pretend this is not happening which, if I'm being quite honest, just encourages me to do it even more.

Neckfully yours,

Smackie Onassis




*Come to think of it, the saying "lick of sense" doesn't make a lot of sense itself. Licks are for delicious ice-creams, not abstract concepts.