An Ode To The Newcastle Regional Library

People are always talking about what they would do if they became really, really wealthy. Houses, holidays and hookers are usually the favourites ('The Three H's'), but there is something a bit different that I have always thought I would do. If I ever got even slightly wealthy, I would make as big a donation to the Newcastle Regional Library as I could afford. I would also like to live in a house where the walls are made of aquariums but that's a whole other kettle of fish, or house of fish as the case may be.

"Why a library?" you might ask, "There are so many worthy causes out there, what makes you think that is the best place for your dollars?"

Here's the thing. The Newcastle Regional Library was one of my favourite places in the entire world when I was growing up. This was mainly because of the music section. Most libraries these days have a cd section of some description, but it is usually limited to Vivaldi and Delta Goodrem. The music section at this library was like nothing I'd ever seen before. It was updated on a monthly basis and contained music I had trouble finding anywhere else. This was before the time of internet torrents, so it really was that amazing.

I am not exaggerating when I say that the cd section at this library changed my life. Borrowing these cds was the first I had heard of music that wasn't just played on the radio. I can remember picking up a little album called 'If You're Feeling Sinister' by a little band by the name of Belle & Sebastian. It blew me away. I didn't know music could be so... good. I went on to feverishly get my hands on everything they had ever recorded. The night I finally ended up seeing them live was just one of the best nights of my life.

From there I picked up Darren Hanlon's 'Little Chills' and my mind was blown again. I remember taking it to school in my little discman. My friends got so mad at me because I spent the better part of a week not talking to them in favour of sitting by myself, listening to it over and over again. Seriously, the things I would do to Darren Hanlon. I can't even go into them without feeling filthy and disrespectful, but let's just say: it would take several days before I would be finished.

Other bands I heard for the first time because I picked up their cd at the Newcastle Regional Library include: Beck, The Pixies, Augie March (years before Moo You Bloody Choir brought them to the mainstream. I'm talking Sunset Studies here. Man, I am going to listen to that right now), The Bees, Bright Eyes, Broken Social Scene, The Fiery Furnaces, Built to Spill, Camera Obscura... the list goes on. Let's just say: all my favourite bands.

The Newcastle Regional Library was the single biggest influence on my musical tastes. It taught me not only that there were excellent bands out there, but because there was such a vast supply of material it taught me how to form my own opinions on music, how to decide what kind of things I liked. Every time I considered moving away from Newcastle, I had to seriously evaluate whether I could move away from the library. It was that good. I honestly don't understand how such an oasis of musical culture could exist. If I didn't still have all those burnt cds, I might think it had all been a mirage.

Of course, I eventually did move away. I can honestly say that the library is probably the thing that I miss most about Newcastle. I mean, there is the internet now, but it's just not the same. Don't get me wrong, I love the internet, but nothing can compare to seeing the shelves upon shelves of such wonderful albums all free for the borrowing.

-Smackie Onassis

A List Of Things

So basically. It is three in the morning, and I have already gone out, gotten drunk off two glasses of wine (I am such a sensational light-weight these days. It's good though because I also can't drink more than three drinks without getting handsy, or four drinks without getting nauseous  and introverted. Also I am too poor to drink like a real person), sobered up and now I can't get to sleep. I am going to remedy this by telling a bunch of totally unrelated stories in list form. Hopefully it will be like counting sheep.

1. I joined the local library the other day. Unfortunately, I cannot handle reading a book until I get my new glasses. However, I really liked the librarian because she laughed at my bad jokes. I was reading the terms and conditions and noticed that there was a warning to not bring "animals or birds" (are birds not animals anymore? Is this a thing, like how pluto is not a planet? Did I miss this?) into the library. I giggled and asked if this is a problem. The librarian shrugged and said that maybe some people have seeing eye birds. "What, you mean like an eye-bis?" I commented instinctively, before immediately apologising. She laughed and told me that was a good one, which makes me both like and pity her at the same time. This is the kind of joke that will get me locked outside at home.
2. Oh right I totally got locked outside for making a bad joke once. The joke has been banned, but because this is the internet I am going to tell it. This is it: Did you hear about the home-brewing rabbit? He used too much hops. I got locked outside for two hours for that one.
3. I have been noticing that where people used to say "Yeah, that's cool" people are saying "I like this" in a weird monotonous way, and I blame facebook. Either that or the population of the earth is slowly being replaced with humanoid robots. But it's probably one of the two.
4. There was a while when if you did a google image search of my high school the number one result was a picture of me standing out the front of my school, wearing dark sunglasses and giving a cheesy thumbs up. The response this got from everyone I knew was something along the lines of "That is so fucking typical".
5. Did you know: there is a non-sexual disease that is also called chlamydia? I know this because one of the most innocent, virginal people in my high school got it when he was 15. His mother was sitting next to him when the doctor gave the diagnosis, and I would have done anything to see the look on her face when he said the word 'chlamydia'. I also love that there is at least one doctor out there that is naming diseases based on what is most likely to cause trouble.
6. I was on a torrent website recently that had a list of the most recent searches by other people. On the list was 'Train Simulator'. What? Like, a program that lets you simulate driving a train? Or riding a train? I can't imagine either of these things being great entertainment. I mean, flight simulators are one thing but TRAIN simulators?
7. I do not have the ability to give a normal name to a file on my computer. If you look over my desktop you will find the following: JOXE, songsles, crafty drafties, out on a limerick, bandles candles... and the list goes on. I can't be a normal person, not even for a minute. 
8. I have thought that I would like to break up with someone to the tune of 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina'. I probably wouldn't do it because that's awful, but think about it. It would totally work. The other idea I have is to create a facebook event called 'YOU ARE DUMPED' and then only invite that person. They would have to do something pretty bad to necessitate that though.
9. If I were to ever write an introduction for myself, I would like it to include the phrase 'She puts the 'fun' in 'bodily functions''.
10. There was a takeaway near where my ex-boyfriend used to live in Toronto* that had both Mexican and Italian cuisine. A fantastic concept. However, they were really missing an opportunity with the name there. They called it 'Mama Mex' when what they should have called it was 'Areba!Derci'.
11. Things I will do if I ever have my own band: I will have a note on my keyboard saying 'You are doing really great tonight, Sarah'. It will have been written by me in the past, but it will still be nice to hear. Thanks past Sarah, that was thoughtful. I also plan on randomly saying "This meeting of hat club will now come to order" [everyone in the band puts on a hat] "The first rule of hat club is wear a hat". Then, onto the next song wearing hats. No further mention of hat club. I also would like to request rounds of applause for random audience members. I have a lot of on-stage antics planned.
12. I don't like to admit it, but I think text language (or 'txt lng' I guess? I am not fluent. I am renowned for typing out whole text messages in perfect english) is infiltrating the noble profession of sign-writing. 'Trespassers will be prosecuted' used to be a sign that inspired such fear, awe and excitement. The other day I saw a building with the following sign: "Entry = Trespassing, Trespassing = Prosecution'. I can only imagine they were waiting until that dried before adding 'GTFO LOL'.
13. There are a bunch of pedestrian alleys near my house. One we have nicknamed 'Rape Alley' due to how awfully suspect it is. I recently found one that was legitimately named 'Wigtowne Wk'. It was just the best. The Wigtowne Walk sounds like an excellent dance move, one that I will endeavor to create. I do already have a fairly impressive repertoire of dance moves. There's the Psychology Cat (inspired by the sitcom idea of the same name), the These Are My Feet, the Confused Time Traveller's Dance and many more.
14. There is some kind of health spa near me that is advertising 'Mystic Tans'. I am curious as to what this entails. Do they give you a spray tan and read your tarot cards? Or is the tan itself somehow mystic?
15. Is The Merchant Of Venus a thing? I bet it is. I bet it's a porn.
16. Fresh from my laptop, a list entitled 'Terrible Times For Diarrhea': On a plane, during a job interview, while your house is being broken into, at the altar, while being elected president, all of the above at once.
    

Ok, I am starting to feel sleep coming on now. Goodnight, the internet.

-Smackie Onassis

*Toronto, NSW. Insert Darren Hanlon reference here. If anyone can name/sing the song I am going for here, I will give you a dollar and a high five. That is a promise. We can even make out for a bit, if you want. No pressure.

My Friend Harrison

Even though I may not have many "followers" at the moment, people are coming up to me and saying they are liking my blog. Which means that people are actually reading my insane ramblings, which is a nice thing. My friend Harrison even accidentally referred to a certain housemate of mine by the name 'Meattrain' instead of his actual name, and was promptly embarrassed. 

Since then, Harrison has requested that I write an entry about him. If he is kind enough to laugh at my stupid jokes, I feel like it is the least I can do. He has also requested that I write him a song about the SA Lotteries, which I will work on. I mean, I already wrote him a parody song about Pokemon but let's face it. I enjoyed that way too much.

Here are some facts about Harrison:

• Harrison works at a newsagency. I am pretty sure he hates it, based on how much he complains about it. He does love the SA Lotteries though. When we went to Melbourne he and I perused the Victorian scratchies and Harrison was of the opinion that they were not up to scratch SO TO SPEAK. Harrison's biggest work-related pet peeve is people coming up to him and asking for a "winning" lottery ticket, as if he knows which ones are going to win.
• My first thought when I met Harrison was 'My, what an attractive young man'. However I didn't dare vocalise any such opinions on account of my being a bit afraid of him. It seems silly now that I know what a total pushover he is, but at first I was totally intimidated by him. What with the English accent, the generally judgemental demeanor and the fact that he hated Vegatrain for no real reason* I guess I just assumed he wouldn't like me. Luckily he thinks I am great, possibly because I write him "funny" songs about Pokemon.
• Harrison loves dicks. He loves them. Can't get enough. However, he does also have a strange fascination with my breasts, which is something I can't quite explain.
• Harrison also loves the weather. Nothing excites him more than a good, hard, cold front. Just mention the words "tropical cyclone" and his own storm starts brewing, if you know what I mean. I think it is because of this that he has something of an obsession with Storm from the X-Men. I am pretty sure he wants to be her. And when I say "I am pretty sure" I mean he has told me this many, many times.
• His codename is Harrison because of the wonderful Nedroid Comics.

That is Harrison in a nutshell. He is pretty great, you guys. Five stars, would be friends with this guy again.

-Smackie Onassis

* I like to view myself as a key part of Harrison's no longer hating Vegatrain.

Why is the world so ridiculously bizarre? Is it just me?

So today I was a total loser and saw a comedy show by myself. Basically, I needed to get out of the house and thought a light-hearted bit of cake-related stand-up might be exactly what I needed. And it was a great show. The only problem was that I spent the whole time being a bit freaked out by how eerily similar the comedian was to a guy I knew at uni.

At first I thought that it was just me, over-reacting as usual. I thought perhaps it was just the fact that he simply wore the same kind of clothes and that both of the guys were guitarists who used the word 'motherlicker' and made jokes about the same indie bands and had the same haircut and the same general comedy style and... then I realised that wow, that's a lot of similarities.

Anyway, it got me thinking about this old friend of mine, let's just call him 'Bones'. As I mentioned, he was a guy I went to uni with and I always got along well with him because we were both musicians with odd senses of humour. I can't remember a single conversation we had that didn't turn into some kind of absurdist comedy piece with no audience.

The way we met was a classic example of a phenomenon known as 'Newcastle Disease'. Yes, the ridiculous hometown of mine was Newcastle but from what I have said about it, anybody could have guessed that. Newcastle Disease was a phenomenon that meant that everybody knew everybody, usually through several different connections. Bones and I were introduced to each other because we were both in bands that had the same drummer, and we were both studying journalism and not taking it very seriously.

Now, we didn't realise it at the time but our official introduction was not the first time we met. We were introduced, exchanged pleasantries and went on our merry ways but I went away with a strange feeling of deja vu, a feeling that I had met this guy before. My suspicions were confirmed when I looked through my phone and discovered his number there. My first thought was 'Uh oh, have I hooked up with this guy before?', but thankfully for our future friendship, that wasn't what had happened. I later remembered that we had actually met while on holidays and exchanged phone numbers with the intention of catching up later that night but due to crappy reception it didn't end up happening. I will admit that I was totally planning on hitting on him though.

When I realised I had his number, I had to make an evaluation that I find myself making all too often: will it be creepy if I text him and tell him what has happened? Being me, I decided that yes, it probably will be creepy but I'm going to do it anyway. Luckily he was a great dude who found the whole thing funny and we ended up becoming fairly good friends. I'm pretty sure I interviewed him for a uni assignment once, just because there were a bunch of musos doing the same course and we were all lazy jerks who interviewed each other for all our assignments. I seem to recall him being the support act a couple of times for the band I played in.

Anyway, he is currently sharing a blog with a girl I only knew briefly but am totally facebook stalking and it can be found here.

Also, he will more than likely read this so: hey man, how's it going? Long time no see, eh?

-Smackie Onassis