A List Of Things

So basically. It is three in the morning, and I have already gone out, gotten drunk off two glasses of wine (I am such a sensational light-weight these days. It's good though because I also can't drink more than three drinks without getting handsy, or four drinks without getting nauseous  and introverted. Also I am too poor to drink like a real person), sobered up and now I can't get to sleep. I am going to remedy this by telling a bunch of totally unrelated stories in list form. Hopefully it will be like counting sheep.

1. I joined the local library the other day. Unfortunately, I cannot handle reading a book until I get my new glasses. However, I really liked the librarian because she laughed at my bad jokes. I was reading the terms and conditions and noticed that there was a warning to not bring "animals or birds" (are birds not animals anymore? Is this a thing, like how pluto is not a planet? Did I miss this?) into the library. I giggled and asked if this is a problem. The librarian shrugged and said that maybe some people have seeing eye birds. "What, you mean like an eye-bis?" I commented instinctively, before immediately apologising. She laughed and told me that was a good one, which makes me both like and pity her at the same time. This is the kind of joke that will get me locked outside at home.
2. Oh right I totally got locked outside for making a bad joke once. The joke has been banned, but because this is the internet I am going to tell it. This is it: Did you hear about the home-brewing rabbit? He used too much hops. I got locked outside for two hours for that one.
3. I have been noticing that where people used to say "Yeah, that's cool" people are saying "I like this" in a weird monotonous way, and I blame facebook. Either that or the population of the earth is slowly being replaced with humanoid robots. But it's probably one of the two.
4. There was a while when if you did a google image search of my high school the number one result was a picture of me standing out the front of my school, wearing dark sunglasses and giving a cheesy thumbs up. The response this got from everyone I knew was something along the lines of "That is so fucking typical".
5. Did you know: there is a non-sexual disease that is also called chlamydia? I know this because one of the most innocent, virginal people in my high school got it when he was 15. His mother was sitting next to him when the doctor gave the diagnosis, and I would have done anything to see the look on her face when he said the word 'chlamydia'. I also love that there is at least one doctor out there that is naming diseases based on what is most likely to cause trouble.
6. I was on a torrent website recently that had a list of the most recent searches by other people. On the list was 'Train Simulator'. What? Like, a program that lets you simulate driving a train? Or riding a train? I can't imagine either of these things being great entertainment. I mean, flight simulators are one thing but TRAIN simulators?
7. I do not have the ability to give a normal name to a file on my computer. If you look over my desktop you will find the following: JOXE, songsles, crafty drafties, out on a limerick, bandles candles... and the list goes on. I can't be a normal person, not even for a minute. 
8. I have thought that I would like to break up with someone to the tune of 'Don't Cry For Me Argentina'. I probably wouldn't do it because that's awful, but think about it. It would totally work. The other idea I have is to create a facebook event called 'YOU ARE DUMPED' and then only invite that person. They would have to do something pretty bad to necessitate that though.
9. If I were to ever write an introduction for myself, I would like it to include the phrase 'She puts the 'fun' in 'bodily functions''.
10. There was a takeaway near where my ex-boyfriend used to live in Toronto* that had both Mexican and Italian cuisine. A fantastic concept. However, they were really missing an opportunity with the name there. They called it 'Mama Mex' when what they should have called it was 'Areba!Derci'.
11. Things I will do if I ever have my own band: I will have a note on my keyboard saying 'You are doing really great tonight, Sarah'. It will have been written by me in the past, but it will still be nice to hear. Thanks past Sarah, that was thoughtful. I also plan on randomly saying "This meeting of hat club will now come to order" [everyone in the band puts on a hat] "The first rule of hat club is wear a hat". Then, onto the next song wearing hats. No further mention of hat club. I also would like to request rounds of applause for random audience members. I have a lot of on-stage antics planned.
12. I don't like to admit it, but I think text language (or 'txt lng' I guess? I am not fluent. I am renowned for typing out whole text messages in perfect english) is infiltrating the noble profession of sign-writing. 'Trespassers will be prosecuted' used to be a sign that inspired such fear, awe and excitement. The other day I saw a building with the following sign: "Entry = Trespassing, Trespassing = Prosecution'. I can only imagine they were waiting until that dried before adding 'GTFO LOL'.
13. There are a bunch of pedestrian alleys near my house. One we have nicknamed 'Rape Alley' due to how awfully suspect it is. I recently found one that was legitimately named 'Wigtowne Wk'. It was just the best. The Wigtowne Walk sounds like an excellent dance move, one that I will endeavor to create. I do already have a fairly impressive repertoire of dance moves. There's the Psychology Cat (inspired by the sitcom idea of the same name), the These Are My Feet, the Confused Time Traveller's Dance and many more.
14. There is some kind of health spa near me that is advertising 'Mystic Tans'. I am curious as to what this entails. Do they give you a spray tan and read your tarot cards? Or is the tan itself somehow mystic?
15. Is The Merchant Of Venus a thing? I bet it is. I bet it's a porn.
16. Fresh from my laptop, a list entitled 'Terrible Times For Diarrhea': On a plane, during a job interview, while your house is being broken into, at the altar, while being elected president, all of the above at once.
    

Ok, I am starting to feel sleep coming on now. Goodnight, the internet.

-Smackie Onassis

*Toronto, NSW. Insert Darren Hanlon reference here. If anyone can name/sing the song I am going for here, I will give you a dollar and a high five. That is a promise. We can even make out for a bit, if you want. No pressure.