Thursday, February 25, 2010

The Dude Ranch, and it's Glorious Art Installations

As I have previously mentioned, the Dude Ranch is not what you'd call a "normal" household. There is random junk all over the place - for a while if you were to ask where the coffee was, you would have received the honest answer of "In the kitchen, in a top hat". More recently I was struggling to find a pillow, which I eventually found in the bath.

There was also a time when Vegatrain and I were battling modern art installations. He started by affixing about 4 cans of air freshener to the bathroom wall. I responded with this piece of soapy genius:



I call it "Dishes". Basically I realised that of the dirty dishes, there seemed to be two of just about everything. And we had two drying racks. So, yes. I washed them and then arranged them as they were intended to be arranged. I am sure I was channeling a higher dishwashing power with that one.

The success of this installation was clear in that no-one touched it for several days, despite the fact that there are four of us, all of whom eat food on plates. I suppose we decided we could sacrifice that in the name of art.

-Smackie Onassis

"The Jitters" or Smackie Onassis's Triumphant Return To The World Of Music

So, I've been playing a lot of music recently. And I am realising more and more that I want to be playing in front of people. The only problem is that I am so self-conscious about performing, to the point where I usually try to practice when no-one else is home. Today I was tickling the synthetic ivories when Richard Melons poked his head in and was like, "Hey, you're really good!" and I had to confess that the only reason he had even witnessed my playing was because I was sure he was at work at the time. Oops.

Playing in front of people has always been kind of a thing for me. I managed to get over that for the band, but I was always kind of hidden away in the horn section. The focus wasn't really on me and I think that's why I didn't have a problem with it.

I remember one of my last piano recitals before I stopped getting lessons. I was playing a Debussy piece. When I was practicing I managed to play it through perfectly, and received a lot of positive feedback from the couple of people who I hadn't noticed had snuck in early. But when I actually was aware that I had an audience, it was a different story. I knew I could play it, but the fact that there were people watching me made me totally seize up. The way I managed to deal with this was to make a joke every time I made a mistake. Other people's parents came up to me afterwards and told me how much they'd enjoyed my performance, which I thought was strange considering how awfully I had played. I guess there is something to be said for having a sense of humour.

So now, I am going to try to start performing again. Only this time I won't have a band to draw attention away from myself. Admittedly, I have come along way with confidence since then, and when it's singing as well as piano it's a bit easier for me. And hey, I can always do that thing where I make jokes to make my audience forget how awful I played.

I am going to start by playing for my friends, but consider this my public statement that I am going to start doing musics again.

-Smackie Onassis

What Do I Want To Do

So, Centrelink wants me to get a job. My medical certificate has run out (do not even get me started on the fact that my doctor told me my injuries could take up to a year to heal, and then promptly wrote me a certificate for one month. Do not even get me started.), so it will probably be back to the workforce for me.

It has led me to think about what jobs I could plausibly do, based on the skills I have. But I'm not sure what jobs these skills could land me, so I thought I'd put it to you, Dear Reader*. So, here are a list of some of the things I am good at.

Getting Excited About Bargains: I love bargains. Never go grocery shopping with me if you don't want to be painfully embarrassed (ask Meattrain about how much fun that is). Whenever I realise that I am getting a good deal I get very vocally excited. So, what job could this get me? The obvious answer is a spruiker. I could do that, but I would be forced to hate myself. Or, I could do voiceovers for discount stores maybe?

Over-reacting: Ok. Is there any job where I could over-react in a professional capacity? Because I do have a tendency to over-react to an amazing degree. I'm thinking... pantomime? Infomercial acting? I have done some amateur theatre before, I could do that. I played the Virgin Mary in the church nativity when I was 12. I mean, I thought I was above it, I was a hot-shot 12-year-old and the amateur youth theatre offers were flooding in. I figured I could stand to give something back to the community.

Road Rules: No-one is better at road rules than I am. Did you know that at a pedestrian crossing, if it is a minor you have to wait until they have finished crossing the road, but if the pedestrian looks over 18 you can drive through when they are halfway across? Or that it is illegal to ride a bicycle on the footpath if you are over the age of 12? I did. It is weird, because I don't have a car so I don't really drive but man oh man, do I know the rules of the road. Now, I could always do driving instruction, but I really don't think I am cut out for that. Because of the whole ridiculous over-reacting thing, and also because I am aware that my main clients would be teenage boys and I don't think I even own a shirt that is not low-cut. Result: tragic deaths.

Useless Information In General: Now, I don't know what is on TV these days or where I put my keys ever (EVER), but I can directly quote Captain Planet episodes I haven't seen since I was ten. I can tell you so, so many facts about ants. My specific area of expertise is obscure music knowledge (did you know Natalie Imbruglia's pop hit 'Torn' was a cover of a song originally written and performed by American grunge band Ednaswap for their debut album in the early 1990s?), so it has been suggested to me that I should steal Myf Warhurst's job on Spicks and Specks, but I think you need to actually have achieved something before you can do that.

Ok, so there are a few. I probably** have more skills, but I'm pretty sure those are my main ones.

Throw me some career path opportunities, children.

-Smackie Onassis


*I am aware that I do not currently have many readers. For your information, I was addressing the excellent South African folk band.

**PROBABLY