Thursday, February 25, 2010

What Do I Want To Do

So, Centrelink wants me to get a job. My medical certificate has run out (do not even get me started on the fact that my doctor told me my injuries could take up to a year to heal, and then promptly wrote me a certificate for one month. Do not even get me started.), so it will probably be back to the workforce for me.

It has led me to think about what jobs I could plausibly do, based on the skills I have. But I'm not sure what jobs these skills could land me, so I thought I'd put it to you, Dear Reader*. So, here are a list of some of the things I am good at.

Getting Excited About Bargains: I love bargains. Never go grocery shopping with me if you don't want to be painfully embarrassed (ask Meattrain about how much fun that is). Whenever I realise that I am getting a good deal I get very vocally excited. So, what job could this get me? The obvious answer is a spruiker. I could do that, but I would be forced to hate myself. Or, I could do voiceovers for discount stores maybe?

Over-reacting: Ok. Is there any job where I could over-react in a professional capacity? Because I do have a tendency to over-react to an amazing degree. I'm thinking... pantomime? Infomercial acting? I have done some amateur theatre before, I could do that. I played the Virgin Mary in the church nativity when I was 12. I mean, I thought I was above it, I was a hot-shot 12-year-old and the amateur youth theatre offers were flooding in. I figured I could stand to give something back to the community.

Road Rules: No-one is better at road rules than I am. Did you know that at a pedestrian crossing, if it is a minor you have to wait until they have finished crossing the road, but if the pedestrian looks over 18 you can drive through when they are halfway across? Or that it is illegal to ride a bicycle on the footpath if you are over the age of 12? I did. It is weird, because I don't have a car so I don't really drive but man oh man, do I know the rules of the road. Now, I could always do driving instruction, but I really don't think I am cut out for that. Because of the whole ridiculous over-reacting thing, and also because I am aware that my main clients would be teenage boys and I don't think I even own a shirt that is not low-cut. Result: tragic deaths.

Useless Information In General: Now, I don't know what is on TV these days or where I put my keys ever (EVER), but I can directly quote Captain Planet episodes I haven't seen since I was ten. I can tell you so, so many facts about ants. My specific area of expertise is obscure music knowledge (did you know Natalie Imbruglia's pop hit 'Torn' was a cover of a song originally written and performed by American grunge band Ednaswap for their debut album in the early 1990s?), so it has been suggested to me that I should steal Myf Warhurst's job on Spicks and Specks, but I think you need to actually have achieved something before you can do that.

Ok, so there are a few. I probably** have more skills, but I'm pretty sure those are my main ones.

Throw me some career path opportunities, children.

-Smackie Onassis

*I am aware that I do not currently have many readers. For your information, I was addressing the excellent South African folk band.


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