Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Best Thing In The Entire World Ever

The other night, just as it was starting to get dark, I was at the counter at my local IGA supermarket. I was in a world of my own, headphones on, wallet in hand. They were about to close so there wasn't many people in the shop.

However, when I looked over at the next counter there was a clown buying a loaf of bread. An actual clown. Not just a guy who looked a bit clown-like but a clown, with full costume and make-up. He didn't have a wig on, but I could see what he was going for with the whole ensemble. I told my housemates about this and everyone started telling me that I hadn't lived in Adelaide while the Fringe festival was on, and that I should be prepared to see a lot of weird stuff. 

The thing is though, I have seen probably more than my share of weird stuff. I seem to attract it in some kind of wonderful 'Round the Twist'-style way. I could tap out a list of some of the best of them, but I think I can sum it up with the story of what I would say is the single greatest thing I have ever seen.

I used to work in this really huge Leagues Club in NSW. In the one building, there were about eight different restaurants and cafes all owned by the same company (as well as a bunch of different ways to drink and gamble), and I worked in all of them.

One shift I was floating around the food court clearing tables, when I heard a voice from behind me.

"Excuse me," a man said, "Could you bring me a steak knife?"

"Certainly," I answered.

The man had a plate of roast beef and veg in front of him, so asking for a steak knife would not have been that unusual. Except for the small fact that he had hooks for hands.

That's right, he had hooks for hands. Both hands. Hooks. And there he was, eating a plate of roast beef with a knife and fork that he was gripping between his hooks. It was probably the best moment of my entire life.

I have since been thinking of what would happen if I combined the two events, if it had been a clown with hooks for hands. I thought it might be funny, but straight away realised it would be unknowably terrifying. But still, don't anyone go stealing that idea, ok? Mine. I have a copyright symbol on my keyboard and I know how to use it. See look: 

-Smackie Onassis©

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