Smackie Onassis: The Inevitable Future

There were fireworks at the end of our street the other night. We stood out in the road to watch them, Vegatrain, Meattrain, Meattrain's girlfriend who suggested her own codename but it was kind of elaborate and I don't remember it so her name is now Hello Kitty, and myself. Vegatrain and I danced around like idiots. Meattrain and Hello Kitty hugged like normal people. There was this one moment which was pretty amazing. We were all staring up at the fireworks, listening to the song that was playing (Michael Jackson, of course) and not paying attention to each other. Until we all looked around and realised that every single one of us was independently doing the Thriller dance. It was a pretty satisfying moment.

I guess it's kinda cynical that the whole thing felt to me like a scene from a depressing Australian movie where they flash back to 'happier times'. The fireworks, the share-house, the happy relationship moments. If watching movies like Candy has taught me anything, it's all downhill from here. Of course, it could have been more to do with the fact that my glasses were quite dirty and so everything I saw had that frosted edges look that televised flashbacks tend to have. But hey, who knows, right?

It got me thinking - just how is my life likely to take a dramatic downhill turn from this point? I had visions of myself, homeless, wandering the streets, asking passers-by if they could spare a few bucks for some insoles. Following the tradition of a dire future as represented in film and television, I can see future-homeless-me getting some questionable tattoos. I have seen a lot of questionable tattoos in my time so I know what I will be dealing with here. I remember once being in a pub in Newcastle in the middle of the day (the train station was across the road and my friend had missed his train). We somehow began talking to a group of guys who had been in the unfortunate situation of being drunk around tattooing equipment. One guy had a crudely drawn dick and balls on his lower back. Another had the words 'Your Name Here' on his arse. A lifetime of regret for them, but a quiet chuckle for me.

As for the questionable tattoos I would get well, that requires a bit of thought. I do already have a few tattoos, all of which are quite tasteful. The next one I was planning on getting is a few lines from my favourite poem. And I am well aware that this would put me right up in the 'Pretentious Arty Fucks Hall of Fame', but I don't care because it is a beautiful poem that really moved me*. However, if I am going to live up to the reputation of 'crazy homeless lady' I am going to have to get something a bit stranger and altogether more off-putting. I was wondering recently if anyone has ever had other genitals tattooed on their real genitals ie a penis tattooed on the vagina. I was too scared to google it but if it's crazy and off-putting you are going for, I don't think you could really pass that one up. This one also gives you a semi-valid excuse for exposing yourself to strangers, another staple of that particular culture.

So, that's me a few years from now. Crazy, homeless, probably with a menagerie of animals following me wherever I go. Playing a ukulele on the street for spare change. Of course, I would get back on my feet eventually. But how? The most logical answer is that an ad executive hears me singing some kind of insane song parody to myself and hires me to write jingles. I would have my big break with probably either 'O! Valencia!' (an ad for the oranges, to the tune of the Decemberists song) or maybe 'Let's Hear it for the Soy!' (an ad for soy sauce). Oh and if you're wondering, yes I have already written** these jingles so I won't have to rely on my inevitably heroin-addled brain to come up with anything 'clever'. 

And thus, the story ends with me raking in the big bucks in the ad jingle market, selling my story to 'That's Life!' magazine and finally getting my aquarium house.

-Smackie Onassis

*If you are wondering, the poem is 'My Spectre Around Me Night and Day' by William Blake who is for totals my favourite poet.

** "O! Valencia! With your pulp so sweet in my mouth! Valencia! And I swear to the stars, I will eat this whole thing right now...."

"Let's hear it for the soy! Let's give the soy a hand! Maybe it's no vinaigrette, but for your next sushi banquet, whoah, whoah whoah whoah! Let's hear it for the soy!"

Music Thangs

I am awake early again, waiting for my ipod to charge so i can go for a walk. I ended up falling asleep at my laptop last night, only to be woken up by Vegatrain handing me a soy hot dog because he is concerned I am not eating enough and am turning into skin and bones. Like a vegetarian Jewish mother. The whole scene was pretty darn adorable.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you guys about the musics I have been doing lately. To get myself back into it, I have started with covers of songs I like. Among my favourites are Liz Phair's classic 'H.W.C.', the title track from God Help The Girl, my own acoustic Nina Gordon style cover of 'Straight Outta Compton', well, the list goes on. I even covered a Tom Waits song, which seems kinda bizarre if you know what my singing voice sounds like*. I guess I have been having a bit too much fun. Vegatrain suggested that if I ever record an album it will be called 'Smackie Onassis covers obscure songs and then does some stupid originals'**, which I think would probably be a fairly apt name. 

Yeah, I have written some originals. I am going to try and put them on here, but that involves recording them first and because I have no possessions (just about), I will have to wait until such a time as;

a) I will not be disturbing anyone with my nonsense

b) Vegatrain is not using his computer, which has recording capabilities

But hopefully, soon. If you are interested in the songs I have written here are some descriptions in, oh you guessed it! Bullet points. I hope the guy who invented bullet points is wearing his punctuation medal*** with pride because he totally deserves it.

• Ono! A song based on a drinking game that Vegatrain, Buglustre and I invented. The name came first (inspired by Uno) and we then decided that it would be a game where we write down one unfortunate occurrence on each card. Every round we all pick a card and the person with the worst thing (as agreed on by general consensus) has to drink. We have played it a few times and it is always just the funniest thing in the world, probably because we are so good at coming up with ridiculous scenarios. I have way too much fun singing this song.
• Psychology Cat the Song by Psychology Cat (the band) I had always planned to write the theme to my sitcom idea about a cat who teaches psychology in an underfunded public high school. Now I have. I am pretty proud of it because it is very Eleanor Friedberger, and she is a total idol of mine.
• Nigel My primary school geek ballad to the infamous Nigel No-Friends. There was one of these guys in every school I am pretty sure.

I have a couple of parodies too. I have found now that by some strange circumstance (I'm thinking I had a stroke and didn't realise it) I have found myself basically thinking in song parodies. For real, you guys. I was in the chocolate section of Big W the other day browsing my confectionary options and found myself thinking 'Hey! Kinder Bueno. Hey, Kinder Bueno. Bueno, where you going? Hey Kinder Bueno...' to the tune of Guero by Beck. I felt instantly ashamed. However, I have actually written a few full length parodies, the most notorious being my version of Lady Gaga's Pokerface with lyrics about Pokemon. Harrison very much wants me to put that on the internet but I am a bit shy about it. There is also the fact that I have never actually listened to the original song, and instead based it off an ironic cover. Yes, I am THAT indie.

-Smackie Onassis

*Hint: I am the exact opposite of Tom Waits.

** Vegatrain has actually said that his favourite of the songs I am playing is my version of Hiccups by Darren Hanlon which made me blush and smile coyly because I don't know if you've picked this up guys, but I am pretty into Darren Hanlon.

***I imagine a punctuation medal to be shaped like an exclamation mark.

The Dude Ranch: An Introduction

Ok, so when this household began, way back before I knew any of these guys, it was christened 'The Dude Ranch', a name that has kept, even though we no longer live in the original Ranch (Now it's 'Dude Ranch 2: Dude Harder'). There was a minor amount of discussion when I eventually moved in as to whether we could still call it that when one of the residents had girl bits. The answer was obvious though, because I am totally a dude in 'tude*.

I have always said that the current Dude Ranch would make just, the best sitcom. This is how it would go:

What happens when an "alternative" vegetarian couple start living with a straight-shooting, fast-talking nuclear chemist who eats enough meat for the three of them? Throw in Richard Melons, the ultimate wacky neighbour, and you've got a recipe for hilarity! Laugh at their trials and tribulations as they work through their differences and go on the craziest of adventures! Wednesday nights, on the Laff Trax Network.

That is actually a pretty good description of our house. Also, I'm not sure when absurdist song parody became the most acceptable form of response in our house, but somewhere along the lines, that kinda happened. Here are some scenes so common that no-one even looks up from the x-box anymore:

A: Hey, this is a tasty snack!

B: If you like it then you should have put some cheese on it!

(That Beyonce song - also very good advice most of the time.)

Vegatrain: (playing Pokemon) Po-po-po-pokemon po-po-pokemon.

(Lady Gaga - Pokerface)

Smackie/Vegatrain: (sunburnt) They call me albino when I get this way!

(Quasi - The Rhino. This is specific to us because we are the only ones in the house who know this song. Everybody reading go find it and listen to it now because it is so great.)

Smackie: (at snack time) Snack box, snack box, you're my snack box! You can give it to me when I'm hungry for some snacks!

(Tom Jones - Sex Bomb)

Smackie: Where is my phone? Where is my phone? Where is my phone? Out in the water, shit it won't work now.

(The Pixies - Where Is My Mind?)

I will leave it there, because there is probably only so much humour to squeeze out of this comedy orange. But yeah, that, only all the time.

 - Smackie Onassis

*I'm sorry. I tried so hard to avoid using this turn of phrase, but there was no way I could properly express it that didn't rhyme, so I decided to throw sanity to the wind and just go for it.