A Whole Damn Article Of Name-Dropping

I have noticed over my time on facebook that there are a bunch of very popular groups and applications dedicated to the whole belief that only a few people stand between you and the cream of the celebrity crop. It's a nice idea, the whole "six degrees of separation" thing, but I've never once had one of those applications do anything other than ask me for my personal details. However, I woke up yesterday feeling like balls. Considering that doing anything useful was not high on my priorities, I sat down to work out some of my own celebrity connections.

The first one was pretty easy. You all know Jason Lee, right? From the Kevin Smith films, and the show 'My Name Is Earl'? Well guess what, he knocked up a girl I went to school with. She was in my brother's year so I didn't know her well personally, but I remember her alright. Let's just say: she had a reputation for being a total slut. And I'm not one to believe every high school rumour that I ever heard but the fact that she now has a son named 'Pilot Inspektor', fathered by a celebrity scientologist, is pretty damning evidence. The one thing I remember most vividly about this girl was her yearbook quote, because I laughed at it quite hard. I don't remember the beginning of it but the last sentence was something along the lines of "My favourite things are unicorns and my new leather jacket". I thought it was hilarious, especially considering that it was almost definitely not a joke.

So that gets me to Jason Lee. But that's too easy - I don't want to stop there. I could always just add one more connection and get to Kevin Smith. That's a pretty good one. But then I thought - Jason Lee is a scientologist. Beck, also a scientologist. I bet all celebrity scientologists at least have each other's phone numbers. They probably receive a print-out of them when they join, under the headline "Your New Family". So there you have it, a somewhat tenuous connection to Beck.

Then I thought, well, who is someone I would really want to meet? Stephen Fry was a name that came to mind pretty quickly. See, I have these "awesome fantasies". Not fantasies that are awesome, but fantasies in which I am being just that awesome. I don't really have sex fantasies like most people seem to, so I guess I have to replace that void with something. Anyway, one of my favourites is the fantasy in which I high five Stephen Fry on TV*. As a result, I am the coolest kid on the block forever and ever.

But how do I get to Stephen Fry? It was a lot easier than expected. You see, I remembered that my aunt knows Tony Robinson aka Baldrick from Blackadder. She has done archeological research with him, which you would know that he does if you have seen the show Time Team. That's not even what she does for a living, either, it's just a hobby. She actually does something along the lines of research in the field of veterinary science. But that just means that she is more successful in her hobby than most people are in their actual careers. Something of a humbling thought, that. I remember once a neighbour of hers found a skeleton in their backyard and after confirming that it was old enough to be a historical artifact rather than a gruesome murder, the neighbour simply palmed it off to my aunt. Who kept it under her bed for a ridiculously long time until she got around to dealing with it. I'm not sure if she WANTED to get haunted, but that seems like a pretty good way of going about it.

Anyway, you can see where the connection goes from there. Baldrick -> Stephen Fry. Done and done.

What about any others? I must have some from the old band days. 

I actually managed to (very tentatively) connect myself to Damon Albarn. When I was first in talks to join the band, they had just finished the Australian leg of a tour supporting the Specials, and were about to embark on the NZ part of the tour. As I have mentioned, I was invited on this leg of the tour but turned it down. Some people might get a bit confused that I turned down the opportunity to tour with the motherfucking Specials, but it was for three reasons:

1. I didn't know any of the songs, didn't want to embarrass myself in front of the Specials.
2. They hadn't kicked out their current sax player at the time, and I can't think of anything more awkward than touring with the dude I was replacing, who didn't even know he was being replaced at that point.
3. I was in the middle of a uni semester and couldn't really leave the country at short notice. 

But considering I did go on to be in that band for several years, I still count that as a connection to the Specials. From there, you have a list of all the artists ever connected to the Specials. I chose Damon Albarn, who apparently did something with them at Glastonbury one year. The band I was in also gave me a connection to the Whitlams, as our producer had worked with them. Also, the drummer (the only member of the band I still contact every now and again) knew Terepai Richmond and actually had drum lessons from him. I tried to see if I could get any more impressive connections via Tim Freedman, but just try googling "Tim Freedman's famous friends". Google just stops and stares at you. The only result is the word "Really?".

There were a few more that I'd worked out, but for what it is (an exercise in wishful thinking with zero practical applications) this entry is already way too long. Also: it is too easy to connect oneself with any Australian personality. I got to Paul McDermott, John Safran, Daniel Johns (for this one just put: I am from Newcastle) and John Laws with just two connections each. And that's not bragging, I am just saying that our population is so small I bet anybody could do it. 

-Smackie Onassis

*Other "awesome fantasies" include Tony Martin asking me to do a cult radio show with him a la 'Get This' and being the personal guest of Bill Bailey at the Glastonbury Festival.

Smackie O's Birthday Wishlist

I have never been a huge fan of birthdays. It is not so much the reminder that I am getting older; I am ok with that. I like getting older. It's more the reminder that anybody who actually even remembers your birthday clearly has no idea who you are as a person. I remember one year in high school where the only gift I received was a bag of miscellaneous, useless items. Although, for the record, I loved that gift. The total cost would probably not have passed the ten dollar mark, but the fact that someone knew me well enough to buy me bread products with funny names and other such items was really nice.

To avoid that, most people I know usually ask me what I want. The problem is that I usually have no idea myself. When I was a little kid I used to be a total smartarse by writing down 'World Peace' every time my parents asked for a birthday wishlist. Every year. I'm pretty sure my parents found it cute at first, but then got very quickly annoyed.

Of course, there was the year that I asked my friends for an axelotl without first informing my parents. That was a good one. This year however, I know what I want. I know EXACTLY what I want. First, a little bit of backstory.

From my previous attempts I can assure you without a spattering of doubt that I fail at 'All You Can Eat'. Miserably. Whenever I attempt it one of two things happens. Either I start with an entree and am instantly full because, well, I am a tiny person and I need room for my organs. This usually leaves me depressed because I don't like coming away from these restaurants without feeling like I have, in my own little way, personally screwed over a small business. The other option is that I don't give up and end up becoming quite physically ill. Neither of these options is attractive to me.

But I would like to change that. For my birthday this year, I would like to not fail at a buffet. I have been reading up, learning the tricks. I am aware now that I need to "avoid non-delicious fillers" (Kavalee 2007). My birthday is in June, and I am ready to start training.

However, that is only half of my birthday wish. The other half is that I get all my friends to attend with me. And that I get to document the whole event in a Marshall Ericsson style photo montage, complete with a song that I get to write, perform and put on the internet. I have started planning this already. If any of my friends object then I would refer you to the legal disclaimer of "Tough Titties It Is My Birthday".

Start getting ready guys. You have until June to prepare yourselves.

-Smackie Onassis

The Rules Of Attraction

I recently mentioned in passing that I had worked out the four main categories of people I automatically develop a crush on. I have now realised that this probably deserves a bit of elaboration. Now, admittedly my science is very flawed and this is something that may work or may not work, but after having been asked about it by someone who reads this blog (people read this blog?), I thought I better explain.

See, I have had my fair share of crushes over the years and, because I have an insatiable need to over-analyse my every waking thought, I did a little survey. I looked over all the crushes I'd had, from boys at school to slightly more famous people. After awhile, I had defined four distinct categories of people that I will almost always be attracted to straight away, whether I am okay with that or not. Only one category is necessary, but the chance of swooning increases exponentially with every additional category.

Category #1: Musicians

Specifically, acoustic singer-songwriter types, preferably with skills in the field of banjo. I guess what I am saying here is that I have had a massive crush on Darren Hanlon since I picked up a copy of 'Little Chills' at my local library, around six or seven years ago. I actually met him after one of his gigs once and I could barely speak. I managed to squeak out a request for him to sign my copy of 'Fingertips and Mountaintops' before having to excuse myself for a spot of quiet hyperventilation. But it doesn't have to be Darren Hanlon. Really, all you need is to strap on an acoustic guitar and sing me a gentle folk ballad and, in the immortal words of Jason Mraz, "I'm Yours"*.

Category #2: Geeky indie boys

For this category see: every guy I have ever been on a date with. Or, at the very least, every guy I have ever been on a successful date with. Also, every guy who has ever turned me down for a date. Maybe it's because they usually have excellent taste in music, maybe it's because being geeky usually indicates being smart. Maybe it's because I subconsciously only date guys that I could probably hold my own against in a fight. Either way, if a guy puns about poetry, wears obscure band shirts, and looks like he is in a constant state of having just woken up, he gets an Admit One ticket to my own personal "Wonderland"**.

Category #3: Comedians

This was one of those things that sort of took me by surprise. I think I actively denied it, mainly because my idea of a comedy groupie was based pretty heavily around Kristen Schaal's character in the Flight of the Conchords TV series. And yet, I kept finding myself listening to old Get This podcasts and finding Ed Kavalee "confusingly attractive" (for those playing at home, I coined that phrase a few entries ago re: Scott Dooley). Even the ugly ones started looking kinda cute when they told a particularly funny joke. I have been asked what constitutes a "comedian". Do they have to do it for a career, or can they just be a funny dude? I have yet to work this out.

Category #4: Women With Excellent Hair

Arguably the odd category out. I have never actually dated a girl, and I don't usually like crushing on people for such horribly shallow reasons. But man, red hair on women looks really amazing. Felicia Day, anyone? Florence Welch? I would turn for either of those attractive, attractive ladies.

-Smackie Onassis

*No, I don't know any of the other lyrics to that song because I don't own a radio right now.

** I'm sorry, John Mayer. I also feel obliged to apologise to Australia's Wonderland. I'm sorry. You were pretty great, even if I only got to visit you once as part of some kind of surrealist maths assignment/excursion.