Friday, February 19, 2010

The Rules Of Attraction

I recently mentioned in passing that I had worked out the four main categories of people I automatically develop a crush on. I have now realised that this probably deserves a bit of elaboration. Now, admittedly my science is very flawed and this is something that may work or may not work, but after having been asked about it by someone who reads this blog (people read this blog?), I thought I better explain.

See, I have had my fair share of crushes over the years and, because I have an insatiable need to over-analyse my every waking thought, I did a little survey. I looked over all the crushes I'd had, from boys at school to slightly more famous people. After awhile, I had defined four distinct categories of people that I will almost always be attracted to straight away, whether I am okay with that or not. Only one category is necessary, but the chance of swooning increases exponentially with every additional category.

Category #1: Musicians
Specifically, acoustic singer-songwriter types, preferably with skills in the field of banjo. I guess what I am saying here is that I have had a massive crush on Darren Hanlon since I picked up a copy of 'Little Chills' at my local library, around six or seven years ago. I actually met him after one of his gigs once and I could barely speak. I managed to squeak out a request for him to sign my copy of 'Fingertips and Mountaintops' before having to excuse myself for a spot of quiet hyperventilation. But it doesn't have to be Darren Hanlon. Really, all you need is to strap on an acoustic guitar and sing me a gentle folk ballad and, in the immortal words of Jason Mraz, "I'm Yours"*.

Category #2: Geeky indie boys
For this category see: every guy I have ever been on a date with. Or, at the very least, every guy I have ever been on a successful date with. Also, every guy who has ever turned me down for a date. Maybe it's because they usually have excellent taste in music, maybe it's because being geeky usually indicates being smart. Maybe it's because I subconsciously only date guys that I could probably hold my own against in a fight. Either way, if a guy puns about poetry, wears obscure band shirts, and looks like he is in a constant state of having just woken up, he gets an Admit One ticket to my own personal "Wonderland"**.

Category #3: Comedians
This was one of those things that sort of took me by surprise. I think I actively denied it, mainly because my idea of a comedy groupie was based pretty heavily around Kristen Schaal's character in the Flight of the Conchords TV series. And yet, I kept finding myself listening to old Get This podcasts and finding Ed Kavalee "confusingly attractive" (for those playing at home, I coined that phrase a few entries ago re: Scott Dooley). Even the ugly ones started looking kinda cute when they told a particularly funny joke. I have been asked what constitutes a "comedian". Do they have to do it for a career, or can they just be a funny dude? I have yet to work this out.

Category #4: Women With Excellent Hair
Arguably the odd category out. I have never actually dated a girl, and I don't usually like crushing on people for such horribly shallow reasons. But man, red hair on women looks really amazing. Felicia Day, anyone? Florence Welch? I would turn for either of those attractive, attractive ladies.

-Smackie Onassis

*No, I don't know any of the other lyrics to that song because I don't own a radio right now.

** I'm sorry, John Mayer. I also feel obliged to apologise to Australia's Wonderland. I'm sorry. You were pretty great, even if I only got to visit you once as part of some kind of surrealist maths assignment/excursion.

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