My Sub-Conscious Is A Smartarse

I have some pretty great dreams. I have a peculiar ability in that I can't remember what I had for dinner last night, but I can remember my dreams in vivid detail. There is one that I typed out and saved on my laptop because I thought it would make a wicked spoken word song a la "A Space Boy Dream". It was about the end of the world and it was crazy metaphysical. If anyone is interested I could probably post it.

While my sub-conscious can be pretty awesome when it wants to be, there are times when I want to remove it from my brain and beat it senseless. The best example is probably that I have a recurring dream in which I have insomnia. I actually do. My sub-conscious is that much of a prick.

The first time it happened was probably the worst one. I remember lying awake in bed, staring at the walls. I repeatedly looked at the clock, thinking it strange that time didn't seem to be passing at all. Until my alarm went off and I realised with a start that I had actually been asleep the whole time.

This has since happened a few times, the most notable being the other night. I had been out with a bunch of people seeing some comedy shows. It was really great, but unfortunately I have been having low blood pressure issues and had to go home early when I nearly passed out in front of Dave Callan. He stopped to ask me if I needed to do a poo, but I was too unwell to think of a witty retort.

So, I went home and collapsed in bed. I remember wishing that Vegatrain would turn down the TV so I could get to sleep. It was playing a documentary that basically consisted of terminally ill children talking about how they don't understand why it hurts so bad. It was distractingly depressing and I thought that I was lying awake because of it. Of course, Vegatrain woke me up when he actually got home and yet again it had all been a dream.

There was another strange dream incident that I can remember. This was when I was living in not the house before this one, but the one before that. So yeah, around six months ago*. I came home from work, exhausted from doing the breakfast shift. The kitchen was a mess, but I figured I would have a nap before I dealt with it. I fell asleep in no time. I had a dream that I was cleaning the kitchen, which would not be so unusual. Except that when I woke up the kitchen was spotless. I was the only one home.

I am assuming that what happened was that one of my housemates came home while I was asleep, cleaned the kitchen and then left again before I woke up. Because if not, then what? Sleep-walking is one thing, but sleep-cleaning? Not that this would be a bad thing, mind you, I just really don't believe it would ever happen. Not to me, at least.

-Smackie Onassis

*I wish this was a joke.