Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Dear Steve Jobs,

Steve Jobs, we've had our differences.

I remember growing up in a strongly pro-Mac household. Every computer we ever had was an iMac, an iBook or later, a Macbook. I guess when you need to make a new technological innovation every six months, you start to run out of names. I can understand that, Steve.

I can remember being sat down on my father's knee and told that these Apple things were the way of the future, that everyone would soon be using them and that if I ever so much considered buying a PC, I would go straight to Technology Hell. They only have dial-up there, you know. And someone's always on the phone.

If anyone ever so much as uttered the phrase 'But that Steve Jobs is a bit of an arse, isn't he?' there would be a cold silence, followed by a hurried and awkward change of subject. Usually to how many days each person's iPod could run without repeating a single song, each time with the reluctant clause of '...but I guess the battery would only last for a few hours, though.'

But Steve, I find more and more that I'm starting to drift away from you and your somewhat overpriced but admittedly very shiny products. I was genuinely disappointed when I found out you were well, kinda evil. Following that, I remember the frustration when I needed a new charger for my old iBook G4 to complete an assignment, only to discover that a new charger for such a model would cost me $140 as it was now considered 'vintage'. I guess that's why you decided to appeal to the hipster demographic. I admit, that was very clever of you.

I've noticed that you tend to target the indie market a bit, managing to cling onto your edgy, underground branding despite being a huge corporation whose logo is as easily recognisable as the golden arches. I remember when you set one of your ad campaigns to 'Bruises' by Chairlift, probably assuming that featuring the work of a hip young band who could count MGMT among their fans would do nothing but endear you to hipsters and music lovers the world over. I guess you didn't consider the fact that ensuring a great piece of pop became known worldwide as 'that iPod song' is a pretty excellent way to piss off the exact people you were targeting. And yet, somehow, it worked.

But Steve, I think we should put aside our differences.

Because, well, let's face it. You have lots of money. Lots and lots of money. And me, I don't really have any. I have a couple of musical instruments and a top notch badge collection, but those aren't really worth all that much as far as money is concerned.

Now I'm not just asking you for cash. I mean, you could give me some money if that's something you feel you want to do, but that's not what I'm suggesting here. I'm suggesting you give me a job.

I may not have any computer skills to speak of. I remember not being able to access something on an old housemate's computer for the simple reason that I honestly couldn't figure out how to turn it on. People seem to find it funny that I was studying Media and Communications at the time.

But I have other skills, Steve. Skills that you can totally use. For example, I make the best damn cup of coffee in Adelaide. For real. On the eve of the recent state election, a certain party leader was heard to remark that the coffee I made for him in my home kitchen was the best he'd ever had in our fair city. I believe the term 'Melbourne-Standard' was used but those were his words, not mine.

Jobsy, if I may call you Jobsy (which I'm assuming I may), I'm offering to personally make your morning coffee every day. See here an example of what you can expect:

It's starting to fade due to needing a few minutes to find the camera, but you can see what I'm going for there. And considering what you can get away with charging for anything with that little symbol on it, you can imagine what kind of fee I'll be charging here. But don't worry, I'm sure it'll be peanuts to you.

I'll even make sure to use this mug every time. Might even wash it.

Yours Sincerely,

Smackie Onassis

P.S. I don't want to insinuate that you're going a bit off the rails, but if you also need someone to give you handy hints about how to run your life, I have a close personal friend who can leave friendly little notes like this around your house:

"This is the stupidest thing I've ever seen in a fridge. You can't REFRIDGERATE TOAST!"


  1. Smackie: I once refrigerated salt, so see what cold salt would be like.

    Also also: Yes, Steve Jobs is very, very evil. His hypocrisy is tantamount in the "1984" ad. Jobs hates communicating with the media. He hates it so much that he has an active, roaming group of employees who dedicate themselves to tracking R&D and marketing employees behaviors online (All members of staff have to officially declare any and all social networking sites that they belong to, and what their user names are) to hunt out anybody who could be talking about up and coming products.

    Yes, Steve Jobs has his own facebook-gestapo.

    Plus, he lies like a bastard! About everything!

    PS: I love that Mug.

  2. That mug is my favourite. I also have a single serve teapot/mug (they fit on top of each other) that is pirate themed, with swords and a skull for the lid. Brilliant.