Saturday, February 13, 2010

An Article In Favour Of An Ant-Based Radioactive Superhero

I'm going to put it out there: ants are probably the most underrated awesome creatures on the entire planet. Now that Meattrain has a job being a chemistry dude at a uranium mine, we have spent some time discussing how likely it is that he is going to be bitten by some kind of radioactive creature and develop super-powers. We also discussed, if he were to set this up on purpose (“hypothetically”), which would be the coolest creature to give him his powers. Overwhelmingly, everyone seemed to agree that you couldn’t go past the classic, the spider, because those things are pretty hardcore I guess. And it’s true, for sheer murdering prowess, you can’t go past the spider.

“But what about ants?” I suggested, being instantly laughed back into silence. In a world where a spider can kill you in an hour without even getting up from its tiny spider couch, ants don’t seem like leaders in the creepy-crawly kingdom. But come on guys, give them a chance.

There was a friday night a while ago where my good friend Buglustre was at a party. She didn’t really know anyone there and, meanwhile, I was at home reading about ants (and loving it, I assure you). What sort of ended up happening was that I would text her something interesting I had learned about ants, and she would use it as a conversation starter. Needless to say, it wasn’t a very good move. Those people still probably remember her as ‘that weird ant girl’. 

But seriously, how are people not interested in ants? In my opinion, there is just so much potential for a radioactive ant-based superhero that would TOTALLY kick arse. Here is why:

First of all, ants can lift up to twenty times their body weight. That's an obvious superhero advantage. There's the amazing speed as well. If an ant were a dude he would be able to run as fast as a racehorse. Are you listening to this, Meattrain? Can your fancy spiderman run that fast?

But these aren’t the most amazing things about ants. Not even close. Have you EVEN HEARD about the Paraponera, a totally bitchin South American ant? Basically, this ant can hurt you so, so badly, and it is not even radioactive yet. Yet.* 

And, yes, I know about Ant-Man, but that guy was totally not living up to his full potential as an ant representative in the superhero world. As far as I'm aware, he couldn't do much except shrink down to tiny size, which is kind of the opposite of a superpower, really. 'Hey Crime, I am going to thwart you by making myself conveniently sized for you to totally squish me with your shoe'.

Get back to me on that one, Comic Books.

-Smackie Onassis

*For more amazingly hardcore ant facts, consult your local Cracked article, such as this one:


  1. ants are quite good at defeating me, since I am allergic and all

  2. Aren't you also allergic to Art Galleries? I seem to remember you coming out in a rash.