Smackie O's Birthday Wishlist

I have never been a huge fan of birthdays. It is not so much the reminder that I am getting older; I am ok with that. I like getting older. It's more the reminder that anybody who actually even remembers your birthday clearly has no idea who you are as a person. I remember one year in high school where the only gift I received was a bag of miscellaneous, useless items. Although, for the record, I loved that gift. The total cost would probably not have passed the ten dollar mark, but the fact that someone knew me well enough to buy me bread products with funny names and other such items was really nice.

To avoid that, most people I know usually ask me what I want. The problem is that I usually have no idea myself. When I was a little kid I used to be a total smartarse by writing down 'World Peace' every time my parents asked for a birthday wishlist. Every year. I'm pretty sure my parents found it cute at first, but then got very quickly annoyed.

Of course, there was the year that I asked my friends for an axelotl without first informing my parents. That was a good one. This year however, I know what I want. I know EXACTLY what I want. First, a little bit of backstory.

From my previous attempts I can assure you without a spattering of doubt that I fail at 'All You Can Eat'. Miserably. Whenever I attempt it one of two things happens. Either I start with an entree and am instantly full because, well, I am a tiny person and I need room for my organs. This usually leaves me depressed because I don't like coming away from these restaurants without feeling like I have, in my own little way, personally screwed over a small business. The other option is that I don't give up and end up becoming quite physically ill. Neither of these options is attractive to me.

But I would like to change that. For my birthday this year, I would like to not fail at a buffet. I have been reading up, learning the tricks. I am aware now that I need to "avoid non-delicious fillers" (Kavalee 2007). My birthday is in June, and I am ready to start training.

However, that is only half of my birthday wish. The other half is that I get all my friends to attend with me. And that I get to document the whole event in a Marshall Ericsson style photo montage, complete with a song that I get to write, perform and put on the internet. I have started planning this already. If any of my friends object then I would refer you to the legal disclaimer of "Tough Titties It Is My Birthday".

Start getting ready guys. You have until June to prepare yourselves.

-Smackie Onassis