The Dude Ranch: An Introduction

Ok, so when this household began, way back before I knew any of these guys, it was christened 'The Dude Ranch', a name that has kept, even though we no longer live in the original Ranch (Now it's 'Dude Ranch 2: Dude Harder'). There was a minor amount of discussion when I eventually moved in as to whether we could still call it that when one of the residents had girl bits. The answer was obvious though, because I am totally a dude in 'tude*.

I have always said that the current Dude Ranch would make just, the best sitcom. This is how it would go:

What happens when an "alternative" vegetarian couple start living with a straight-shooting, fast-talking nuclear chemist who eats enough meat for the three of them? Throw in Richard Melons, the ultimate wacky neighbour, and you've got a recipe for hilarity! Laugh at their trials and tribulations as they work through their differences and go on the craziest of adventures! Wednesday nights, on the Laff Trax Network.

That is actually a pretty good description of our house. Also, I'm not sure when absurdist song parody became the most acceptable form of response in our house, but somewhere along the lines, that kinda happened. Here are some scenes so common that no-one even looks up from the x-box anymore:

A: Hey, this is a tasty snack!

B: If you like it then you should have put some cheese on it!

(That Beyonce song - also very good advice most of the time.)

Vegatrain: (playing Pokemon) Po-po-po-pokemon po-po-pokemon.

(Lady Gaga - Pokerface)

Smackie/Vegatrain: (sunburnt) They call me albino when I get this way!

(Quasi - The Rhino. This is specific to us because we are the only ones in the house who know this song. Everybody reading go find it and listen to it now because it is so great.)

Smackie: (at snack time) Snack box, snack box, you're my snack box! You can give it to me when I'm hungry for some snacks!

(Tom Jones - Sex Bomb)

Smackie: Where is my phone? Where is my phone? Where is my phone? Out in the water, shit it won't work now.

(The Pixies - Where Is My Mind?)

I will leave it there, because there is probably only so much humour to squeeze out of this comedy orange. But yeah, that, only all the time.

 - Smackie Onassis

*I'm sorry. I tried so hard to avoid using this turn of phrase, but there was no way I could properly express it that didn't rhyme, so I decided to throw sanity to the wind and just go for it.